You enter a very upscale, fine-dining restaurant. (For my family’s current financial status, this is truly imaginary...) You are seated at a table in a quiet corner with someone you love. You scan the menu while conversing with this special person in your life. The server takes your order. He is efficient, quiet and unobtrusive. You go back to your intimate and deep conversation. The conversation takes all your attention, but you are drinking from your glass of water and sipping on a glass of fine wine. Your meal is served and it looks delectable. You begin to eat. Yum! Fantastic! Meaningful exchange continues between you and your loved one. Things take an amusing turn and you find yourself giggling as dessert is served. Finally, dinner is paid for and you leave the restaurant with warm, happy memories of a delicious meal and a rewarding time together.
A perfect scenario.
What happened during that meal that made it so perfect and that you were only vaguely aware of?
Without you ever even noticing...
Your silverware was spotless.
Your water glass was always full.
Just the right condiments were made available.
Each course was served at just the right time.
Your food was hot.
Dishes magically disappeared when they were not needed.
Your dessert was set before you with perfect timing.
Your after-dinner coffee was kept full and warm.
The check was made available and payment was made with no wait.
(Let’s take a moment to enjoy this fantasy about perfect service… Lord knows it’s infrequent enough to remain in the realm of fantasy.)
Bottom line: Your server was so incredibly skilled that he went virtually unnoticed.
This server is my husband.
Hold on. I’ll explain in a minute.
Some of you may not have (to your own real misfortune) had the privilege of meeting or really getting to know the man I am married to. That is very sad. Let me help.
My husband is a man of integrity, wisdom, compassion, humor, depth and love. He is the deeply involved and supportive father of three children. He is a faithful, loyal and helpful friend to many. He currently works as the Senior Chaplain at Portland Rescue Mission. He loves his work and he does it with skill. He provides varying levels of pastoral care and support to a staff of about 90, to more than 60 residents in drug and alcohol recovery and to several hundred homeless guests that eat meals and use the services of the Mission. It is demanding, challenging and often dangerous.
He is amazing in the most literal sense of the word.
He is also the husband of a woman who has been fighting cancer for a year. This has not been fun. For either of us.
I have been sick.
I have been needy. (Hold the sarcasm.)
I have required a lot of extra effort and care. (No snide remarks.)
He has performed household responsibilities that I usually address.
He has had to parent through treacherous waters.
He has had to take up a lot of slack.
He has adapted almost constantly.
He has plugged holes when the dam started to leak.
I have been deeply cocooned as I have fought for survival.
I have not been very attentive or very available to him.
I have often fought the depression that comes with long term illness.
I have been personally absent.
He has missed me.
I have done everything I possibly can this last year… but…
He has carried a very, very heavy load.
And here’s the crazy thing: He has made it look EASY.
Enter – the server. My husband.
He is quiet about it. He is unobtrusive. He does not toot his own horn, he just meets the need. He morphs to solve the current “crisis of the day”. He puts his head down and just keeps moving forward. He reflexively rises to meet the demand at hand. He does not parade this adaptable posture of service… because he’s hardly aware of it.
And I have hardly been aware of it. His kindness to me has been offered with such insight, skill and sensitivity that it could have gone largely unnoticed. Just like the server.
Over the last couple weeks – wonder of wonders – I have actually started feeling better for the first time in about 3 months. I am just emerging from the cocoon and looking around at a world I have not been fully aware of for over a year. It is just beginning to dawn on me the amazing love and compassion shown to me by this man… and the toll it has taken on him. Not surprisingly, just as I am getting more on my feet, my husband is becoming aware of the profound emotional and physical fatigue that has accompanied his constant service. He can start letting up a bit… assessing the losses and deep weariness that is a natural response to being “on” for a whole year of crisis… and somewhat alone in it.
It is hard to express the vast gratitude I have for a husband of this caliber… for his gentle kindness to me at a huge personal cost. I am well aware of the shortage of men in this world who will serve with such selflessness. I am, of all women, most blessed.
The waiter has served a wonderful meal with expertise and genuine care.
And HE, my friends, deserves an extraordinarily large tip.
JR is an amazing guy, and you are an amazing couple. It's been quite a year. One that has become a part of who you are. Rest easy for a while. A guest room in southern California awaits you when you are ready. I love you both.
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice tribute! You honored JR with this post.
ReplyDeleteI know you are incredibly blessed with that man. Thanks for sharing him with us.
ReplyDelete...I am married to his twin :o) We are so blessed Connie. Thanks for this beautiful post!
ReplyDeleteAwesome post, Connie.
ReplyDelete